What Should I Do?

Here’s the question I have been asking myself. What is my natural path? I am capable of many things. I can do a lot of things well. But what is my true nature and what does it need? Our culture says to go go go, be the best, strive for things. But is that the right thing? Or do each of us have a true nature that we need to nurture and let go of these outside expectations? You tell me.

I was thinking back to high school when I played tennis and I remember that I was pretty damn good at it but I would always hit a wall when I started to really succeed and I would back off. Why? Was it that I didn’t think I deserved to be at the top? Something about it scared me or touched an empty spot in my person. Like a realm I wasn’t allowed to go into or didn’t have the self-esteem to forge into. I’m wondering why? How does that play out in my life today?

This also played out in music in ways I thought about myself. Most everybody doesn’t know that but I do. Offers were made that I turned down. And internal shyness was present that I would battle but nobody else would know. Not knowing how to singularly push a full vision of mine. A strength missing. I’m working on recovering myself and finally playing out a deeper true vision hopefully but I am finding this wall again.

I know things are different as an adult. Things have happened, sorrow is carried, memories stick around and its still time to be new again and I don’t find that easy.

I miss the day when I was a kid and none of these burdensome pile of thoughts was on me. Is that the state I should head back to? This is such new territory.
Looking at this post I know and can see that I’m not being very grateful for what is awesome. So maybe I turn my eyes on that.

I love my son, my husband, summertime, friends, coaching, yoga teaching, music and books and hell his blog.

Somebody chime in and tell me how you’re doing.

Standard

Did I go?…

NO! I did not go to those interviews.

Can you believe it? I sweated over that email. Looked at my computer forever. Then pressed send. I decided that now is that time to go with my gut. Trust.

I think I’ve been mentioning and leading up to this change that requires me to truly follow my gut. I’ve talked to so many others who have hit this spot where they new change was required, risk was needed, faith was a must. That is me now.

I am in the river of change and I’ll be teaching and working with others, (Workshop to come to http://www.samdhanakaranayoga.org/) all together as we navigate to our futures that are based on authenticity, facing fear and trusting our intuition/gut decisions.

ALSO: I remember me, my favorite me. I’ve seen photos of her in her flaming red hair, swinging a microphone. I remember the fire burn in my lungs as I tried to sing, run around, sweat and live loudly in front of few and sometimes many! I liked that me. I am still that person.

17814630_10209214858154061_2927084661883928290_o

I am more now. I am older, wiser, carved out, a mother, wife, a healer, singer, artist, friend and seeker. I am morphing and referring back to who I really am at the same time.

I will be teaching, gathering a band together, travelling, playing music, reading a ton, taking classes, finding you all here as well…I hope so much.

Just a note for today. I haven’t said before but if this blog helps you please share it and spread the word. I like doing this and want to spread out to as many as I can find and see what happens. Thank you!

So determined to create and here is how I’m doing that for now:

Shows:

Danny and Carrie house shows – T-shirts/stickers too!!
May 19th – Sleight of Hand Tasting Room – Walla Walla
May 20th – House Show – KennewickMore in June
https://www.facebook.com/CarrieAkreDannyNewcomb/

Danny Newcomb – Record Release – 6/3 – I’m opening
https://www.facebook.com/DannyNewcombMusic/?fref=nf&pnref=story.unseen-

Goodness LP GoFundMe: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/goodness-first-album-on-vinyl-music#/

Carrie Akre Creative – Coaching – Book a Session
https://www.facebook.com/carrieakrecreative/

Carrie Akre – music – new EP and show to come!

I luvs ya! Live well! Be kind! Be nice/compassionate to you own damn self too!

Carrie

Standard

Just So You know I’m Not Perfect

Just so you don’t think I’ve got this all figured out. I have been waffling, rationalizing, second guessing and hedging. Have I canceled those interviews I mentioned? No! I’ve been doing circular conversations with myself and my husband since my last post.

Here are the conversations in my head:
1. I’ll just go and not care.
2. I could do the work and then quit when i want.
3. It won’t suck the life out of me cause I won’t let it.
4. I’ll make sure I’m doing all the other real work I want to do as well. That includes: yoga, writing, coaching, promoting coaching, workshops, working out, cooking, hanging with my son, hanging with my husband, playing music, writing music, podcasting and blogging. Yeah I’ll just fit that in nicely around a 40hr work week…I’m nuts.

See where I am? I just wanted to write and show anyone who needs to see that these changes aren’t always done in straight line. I am on the edge of trying to trust that money will show up, I’ll know what I’m doing, clients will show up, this new business of coaching will grow.

Right now my stress is just momentarily about money. One or two months of unsureness. But bigger than that is needed this trust that if I walk off the cliff the universe will meet me. I could use a hug! Feel free to leave one here.

For anyone in the same place as me, know that I am in it! I am right here in it with you. Come have a session together on it. www.carrieakrecreative.com

Am I going to cancel the interviews for Wednesday? I don’t know right this minute.

Stay tuned…

Carrie
www.carrieakrecreative.com
facebook.com/carrieakrecreative
carrie.akre@outlook.com

Standard

Leap of Faith

Hi Gang!

I am not a straight forward religious person. I do believe in God but I may also call it the Universe, Source, Higher Power… yest I’m that gal. Always have been. This week I’ve really had to actively work or participate in trusting that upper source of trust and strength by taking a total leap of faith.

I have been feeling for a long time that I really never totally belonged in the corporate world. It’s gotten me money, taken me places and even brought some beautiful people into my life but I have NEVER felt at home. I just don’t have the desire to climb ladders or base my worth on producing things for companies. Remember I spent my 20s being a self sustaining artist so it’s really hard to reign it in enough to care about what becomes SOOO serious in work places. Here no disrespect to all the amazing intelligent, talented and hard working folks I have worked with. But sometimes office politics and the culture imposed is bullshit. Straight up unreal and not worth diminishing your self worth over.
(can you tell I’ve been bitten/hurt before by this!) Ok onward…

Back to my real point. I truly believe that I am meant, am already, a healer. I’ve been feeling it in my heart for so long but couldn’t define it, what that feeling was or hadn’t quite put it into words. I believe I’ve been doing that already through music, but now will also through coaching, teaching kids and adults, songwriting and creative empowerment workshops, yoga and yes through music! I can share my wish to help people break through fear, do what they want to, and help them find and feel good about who their authentic selves are in this world and lifetime.

So here was my leap. I left my last job in the digital world in January. I’d saved money to supplement that income loss and have been para educating in the public school system and teaching at a Theater/Arts school. Some of teaching I love, some of it…not so much but whatever. I’m running out of money… so I panicked and applied but tech work, got the phone interview and now the in person. And you know what? I’ve been dreading it the whole time. Bad gut feeling That is no way to live.

FAITH LEAP: So I’m walking away from the interview. I’m staying the course of my gut/faith. I will figure it out!

I pause here and say I know to those who struggle for work or are having a hard time with getting hired, this may seem massively ridiculous and self indulgent and privileged. I can see that side. Just trust me that I know this and also believe that it takes courage, smarts and for good reasons I must carve out a life, if I can, that I love or I will slowly erode. I think that is true for anyone who is living/working a life that isn’t authentic.

What I really want and am starting to do is life/creative coach, teach, heal people, help people, workshop, blog, vlog, podcast etc…yes play music. I’m taking yoga teacher training (I graduate in June!)…I’m building this new world! Dammit I’m doing this. I have some many great friends and examples of people doing the same. I’m going to follow suite and make my tribe!

Come check out the beginnings of my new work at:
http://www.carrieakrecreative.com – want a session? Book on this site!
https://www.facebook.com/carrieakrecreative/
https://www.facebook.com/CarrieAkreDannyNewcomb/?ref=bookmarks – MORE SHOWS IN MAY

Over and upward!
Thanks for reading!
Spread the word!

PS: if you are struggles with career, job, life path questions! Come see me!!!!

Love you,
Carrie

Standard

Make Happy

So my husband said I should write something happy since most/all these posts seem to include heaviness! At first I was insulted and thought he should butt out but today I think it’s just the right thing. In the form of a Happy List.

Thank you Marty.

Here is my Happy/Gratitude list:

1. I am grateful for my husband…even on the days he needs to get out of my face…love you 🙂
2. Thank God for my son…a gift. I had him at 41 so he is a miracle baby.
3. Yeah to our house in Tacoma.
4. Thank you kind wonderful Tacoma community. Thank you for being so open and there whenever.
5. Thank you music fans of mine who have said things, written me letters and notes of which many I keep.
6. Thank you universe for singing.
7. Thank you for my friends. I love you.
8. Thank you to my new friends, I have lot’s of love to give.
9. Thank you for my new friends who are artists…some of you don’t know yet but you are my friend and we need to form a regular circle to discuss art and keep each other going and laugh more.
10. Thank you universe for giving me whatever I need when I need it. Synchronicity is always with me.
11. Thank you yummy food. I love you.
12. Thank you car for not breaking down.
13. Thank you, kids at Stanley Elementary. You have given me joy and your in my thoughts, wish you great futures and much kindness in your lives.
14. Thank you to all the sweet kids I meet doing para work. You deserve to be seen.
15. Thank you Grant Elementary for taking me and my son in! Can’t wait to help out and give back.
16. Thank you clean air, water and sun on my face when I can get it during this season here in the NW… Go lighter on the hail please…yikes!
17. Thank you Value Village… I love you and all the coats you have I don’t need but will buy any way.
18. Thank you to our crazy dogs that feel like needy children but don’t know any better.
19. Thank you to our Hill Top neighbors.
20. Thank you mom for loving me so much. I know you’re there.

Well that is a good start and I feel better. Don’t you? I hope so. I want to also thank folks for readying my blog and for the kind comments. It’s such a nice surprising connection and would be fun to grow.

Next: My list of thins I want!!! Saving that for the next blog

PS: I am starting work on a new EP/maybe full length record tomorrow.

PSS: i’m currently avoiding Facebook so if you’d like to leave a comment here if you have one. Thank you so much

Love you,
Carrie

Standard

In the River of Change

So much is happening and so much not good! So much for my language/grammar. It’s how I feel. Me not feel good. I’m in the river of change and it’s unknown territory in my work and the nation.

At the end of December I chose to leave my six figure job and planned on trying a few things. I have no regrets leaving. It’s only been one month. I need to remember it’s just a try time. But I’m not a light hearted trier of things.

The Para jobs are becoming mostly opportunities helping the disabled (God bless all those kiddos and folks who support them) but that wasn’t my goal. I think I wanted more conversations and less picking kids up off the floor. I’m sorry that sounds terrible, right? Ugh I apologize for myself. Folks who work in Dev rooms, I think will know what I mean.

Creative Coaching – I’m also not sure how to start s full coaching business when I still feel like a student. That is the thing, I feel more like a student and just need more info. Or do I? Do I jump in or wait for the universe to send me a sign. I so want a sign.

It’s only been a month and today I feel paralyzed and have had the February cold from hell like most of us so I’m down for the count and agitated. No bueno.

Here is what I had on my want to do “new life” list:
Para Educate for a while – connect with kiddos
Blog more – even if it seems self indulgent, whiny, boring to others, try not to care if any cares about it – stop worrying what others think. Just need lifeline.
Start coaching people – I have the website but feel like I need more to generate clients and programs. I love this work and am good at it. http://www.carrieakrecreative.com – check it out!
Podcast – oh yeah that….hmph…no energy on that right now
New solo cd – MAJOR overwhelmed on where to start – I’ve done it before and just need to start somewhere.
Yoga Teacher Training – in progress

All of this takes energy and I swear I just want to crawl into a hole right now or a large bottle of wine but we know how well that turns out. No energy right and I can’t tell if it’s just an old habit of avoidance of mine or what???

I’ve also been reading a ton of Joe Dispenza – he wrote You are the Placebo, Evolve Your Brain and Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It’s amazing info and one of his notes is to truly release spending mental time in the past or even the future (running scenarios that will never happen/arguments and things of the kind). I’m literally telling my brain to change every time I fall into an old thought habit! I need to let go of the past and work at imagining my unique future. I’ve made these changes in my life to carve out my unique life that I want. Not the false “American Dream” that is fed to us and becomes more about material than substance.

Ok, this laundry list I have is big and none of it is light fair and I’m laughing at myself. Are you laughing too? Like, what what the hell is wrong with this girl? You wouldn’t be alone. Just like any therapist I’ve ever had whose by started asking me “what is going on” only to look flabbergasted because, yes, it’s a shit ton of stuff, always. What the hell is wrong with me? I say to myself with love.

Ok that is my brain dump for today. Wow this turned out much longer that I had thought. Must have needed it bad!

I hope it makes some person feel better. Laugh with me/not at me! Kidding.

Thanks all for listening and feel free to share any of your stories of whaaaaa with me!!!!!

Standard

Sub Para onward…

I’ve been working as a Sub Para in the Tacoma School district for about one month. I get assigned to help out in all kinds of classes. Elementary through high school. Helping with reading, math, special ed, autism…a gamete of needs. It was so hard to start. Every assignment feels like being the first one to dance at the middle school dance. Nervous. But very quickly children scare and save me.

I feel amazed  and appreciate how all my experience in the music business has paid off in all my jobs. Crazy or drama does not unnerve me at first. I can endure wacky easy! With kids it’s emotions, freak outs, anger, stubbornness, testing and challenges and honestly it makes sense to me. Most kids responses are frankly how adults want to act if they were honest. Now truth is I have not been hit, yelled at, swung at, walked out on, frozen out or all else but I know it could happen. I cross my fingers.

In one month I have seen so much love and need. I worry with this new administration for many of the kids in my neighborhoods. Who will take care of them in a Charter school regime? For now, there are so many dedicated, tired, stressed, strong, experienced, cranky, depressed, hard-working teachers. I, who have barely done anything here, tip my hat a million times to all of them.

I feel bad but sometimes I think I only want to develop myself, my art and tend to myself. I think wow these kids would suck the life out of me. My life. Mine. My goals. My work. My needs. I think tending to ones growth for em-betterment is good and will serve and help somewhere. I make music and have healing to do there. It is a gift I have to give, humbly. I do think it helps people (some have said so). I am proud of that. I want to commit to that but I also want to try this and help kids. I like them. I have room in my heart all over for them. I want to look them in the eye and say “it’s ok, I see you and you are wonderful even if you are bugging the crap out of me just this instant”. That’s ok. I bug me. It’s temporary. I have respect for kids. I remember being annoyed by adults when I was dismissed. You think kids aren’t smart. You’re wrong.

I still feel lost and keep begging the universe to show me the way. I get paid next to nothing. FYI a full-time Para get’s paid 12k or maybe a bit more. Yes, break that down monthly and freak out. I’ve gone from making six figures in a year to something close to this. Am I dumb or what? I’m not worried. I have many irons in the fire and they all lead back to who I really am and that is the point for me. I need to get back to the real me. I am an artist, musician, teacher, mentor, and nice dammit.

I’m going to write more. This being my 50th year. I think it’ll be good for me.

Love to all. Spread the word!

Carrie

Standard