What Should I Do?

Here’s the question I have been asking myself. What is my natural path? I am capable of many things. I can do a lot of things well. But what is my true nature and what does it need? Our culture says to go go go, be the best, strive for things. But is that the right thing? Or do each of us have a true nature that we need to nurture and let go of these outside expectations? You tell me.

I was thinking back to high school when I played tennis and I remember that I was pretty damn good at it but I would always hit a wall when I started to really succeed and I would back off. Why? Was it that I didn’t think I deserved to be at the top? Something about it scared me or touched an empty spot in my person. Like a realm I wasn’t allowed to go into or didn’t have the self-esteem to forge into. I’m wondering why? How does that play out in my life today?

This also played out in music in ways I thought about myself. Most everybody doesn’t know that but I do. Offers were made that I turned down. And internal shyness was present that I would battle but nobody else would know. Not knowing how to singularly push a full vision of mine. A strength missing. I’m working on recovering myself and finally playing out a deeper true vision hopefully but I am finding this wall again.

I know things are different as an adult. Things have happened, sorrow is carried, memories stick around and its still time to be new again and I don’t find that easy.

I miss the day when I was a kid and none of these burdensome pile of thoughts was on me. Is that the state I should head back to? This is such new territory.
Looking at this post I know and can see that I’m not being very grateful for what is awesome. So maybe I turn my eyes on that.

I love my son, my husband, summertime, friends, coaching, yoga teaching, music and books and hell his blog.

Somebody chime in and tell me how you’re doing.

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One thought on “What Should I Do?

  1. stevemcqueenofnothingness says:

    I was walking through a park today and I saw two groups of preschoolers lined up and fidgeting. They were going to run a relay race around a big circle of cones. The first two took off and ran perfect circles. When they got back they handed their batons off to the next runners. One runner started out right away on another perfect circle. The second one was so excited to have the baton in her hand that she completely forgot the race. She was twirling the baton and showing her friends and having a great time. The teacher said, “No, you have to run. Run!” I watched the little girl take a few uncertain steps and become perplexed by the path. She put on a determined face and skipped around the first cone and came back. The teacher said, “No, you have to run around ALL of the cones.”

    Carrie, I saw that little girl’s face in that moment and it immediately hit me: I AM the confusion on that child’s face. I’ve lived there my whole life and I still don’t know why we are running around these God damn cones!

    So here are some things you are always telling me: You are right where you should be. You are safe and loved and you are not alone. Looking forward to our session on Monday! ❤️ david.

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