I’ve decided to blog more. This open diary as a potential connection to other people, interests me. The potential, the mysterious possibility is exciting to me. It has crossed my mind this is narcissistic and that’s one way to look at it. But I am looking at it like tossing some thoughts into the air and seeing if anyone is interested. If not that is ok as well. Here’s to the mystery.
The Fall is here and I’m really missing my mom. What I feel stronger than ever is the vacancy of her in particular. It makes me appreciate the singular specialness of one person. I miss talking to her, sharing this life on the planet together. To me, she was a pillar, wise, comfortable, smart, stable, loving, life connected person in my life. She made me and was there for all of my life. A pillar has been removed from my life and I am empty in places. It would be so much nicer in so many ways if she were still here. But she’s not, so how do I become whole?
I’m doing much better than, say, two years ago. I am reaching deeper into the understanding that I am the only one who can shape my future. I’m more ready to do that now than, say two years ago. Yeah for that.
A couple of things I think I understand.
- The present is all that matters but it’s a bitch to not drift deeply into the past or future.
- I dive into the past out of bad habit.
- I drive into the future because I think that is how I take care of things and protect myself. Prepared for anything, right? Ha
- I am the only one who make decisions about what I do.
- Beware of assuming – fear – assumptions are just stories you’re making up that are not true and you def don’t know they are true. You’re just living by them in order to feel safe. Plus you know the saying: what does assuming do? Makes an ass out of you and me..ok you’ve hear that already.
- Beware of projecting – your crap onto others… don’t do it.
- I know I am meant to do something renegade and that not knowing all the info is driving me nuts (control!!). I have a few pieces of the picture. Teaching empowerment, writing/recording/performing music, podcasting, blogging, reading, dancing, meditating, yoga, teaching yoga (gentle yoga/mindfulness) and travel.
- I think I just have to start doing. IT’s in the doing. I’ll just have to see what it reveals.
- This is hard! Ok, now I feel like I sound like a cry baby.
My mom used to say, “Thank God you’re not your own mother”. I am a little hard on myself…now even my husband notices and says so. Well I’ll have to work on that. In the mean time sailors let’s drift on and see what happens.
If you feel like this spoke to you, please, pass it on. I’m not going to Facebook/Twitter/Instagram promote this cause I’m sick of that.
I’d like to just see what happens. Mystery
Big love to all!