Sensitive

Today I got my feelings child like hurt. I put myself out there vulnerable and didn’t get friendly back. I swear it hit a child like Achilles heal point in me that just shot through my body with hurt and some embarrassment. I’m embarrassed to say that I had to go home and cry it out. I plain ole got my feelings hurt. I’m trying not to assume the other person meant to come off unkind but my tired self can’t keep the tough up. This may happen more than I think if I remain what some might call “sensitive”. I’ve been called that before (yeah Grunge years!!! – heavy sarcasm…of course).

Today’s moment happened at my new job as a sub para in a school district. The thing about being a para is that, to me, it feels like being a ghost.  I thought that might be a great thing, be independent, in and out, no worries, no job culture to pressure you,  but it’s quickly making me feeling lonely. In the work space, I am someone who eagerly wants to bond with people with a hello, smile or short conversation starter. I’m not getting much of that back and now feel like I need to retract in. That makes me sad and mad. When you Para it feels like no one seems to expect anything from you or tries to connect too much. You’re passing through. I guess I’m finding out that I like clan and club a bit. I used to think I didn’t but now without some form of that I feel adrift. I’ve just started this job so it may get easier or I’ll confirm it

OR maybe my rant is what the hell is wrong with people? Would it really kill you to smile and just be simply friendly. Holly hell I’m tired of handing out smiles and getting a look like I smell or just cold nothing. Nobody owes me any kindness but it sure would be nice.

I digress…Namaste mother fucker  🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Halloween Night 2015

SO many people have lost a loved one. A mother, father, brother, sister…child. So many. I am so glad when I am reminded of that. Mindy Kaling (The Office, The Mindy Project) , who I’m reading now lost her mother in 2011. Before me. I just read that and it saved me today. I got my “oh yeah” I’m not the only one moment I needed. Cause today I am in a ditch. It’s awesome Halloween. My son is so excited. His best buddy is coming over. He can’t wait. He thinks only of candy and his costume. I envy his lack of burden so much. I want to make sure I’m helping it and not getting in the way of it as well. I’m so upset that I’m not feeling freer. I have great friends who dress up, celebrate and participate. What is my problem!? Sadness and stuckness. My mental comment is ” this is so indulgent”.

Sorry, are blogs just so annoyingly indulgent? I haven’t checked out a lot. I just know I need to dump and this is it for now.

I hit a wave of depression that confused and upset me this morning. I wished I had talked to my mom more about my stuckness. Wish I had gotten up and done more about it. I wish I would’ve been stronger in so many situations, so many times. I’m getting caught up in the dumb time sucks we all are. Facebook, email, Netflix, Amazon Video…even some books. Some folks might be surprised by that but I have this dichotomy. Strong in some situations. Can’t get up in others.

In the past i sat down, drank wine, couldn’t get up out of bed. Mom always said I was someone who really needs to get up frst thing when waking up or I’ll  be consumed by my thoughts! SO true to this day. Don’t laugh but I have been told by so many (psychics, Ayurveda docs, intuitives) that I have opposites in me. I want home but crave newness too! My mom had a reading that said I would be forever restless. That was in 97.  I have that tape that I found in her drawer when clean out her clothes. I haven’t listened again to it. Maybe tonight.

Maybe I need a sunny vacation. I’ve always wanted a once a year girlfriend vacation. I would love that. Maybe I’m just new in Tacoma and lonely. Maybe I just need to have patience that community here will build. I’ve met great folks but my neighborhood is not bright and easy friendly just yet. Maybe I’m just deficient in vitamin D (my doc says I am). Maybe all this is true. First world problems really.

This isn’t good. May not be interesting to anyone but I’ve blabbed here.

If you feel something similar, maybe you say.

Happy Halloween!

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Between You and I Podcast #4 – Emmett Montgomery

Kinship…I need this, don’t you? Yesterday I spent time with comedian Emmett Montgomery talking all about his art form, that community, isolation and where he finds communion. It’s not that different from my music walk or at least I think it’s similar to how I feel when I’m doing solo work. I don’t go around with a team or pose when I play. It’s just me often showing up alone, drifting into the club and then sitting by myself while I wait to play. It sounds like I should reach out and make a friend but sometimes that’s just hanging in the same old same old. I don’t want that. I want newness. I want a meeting of the minds. I want new ideas and fresh conversations. I want friendliness. I don’t give a shit about being cool. My brain desires growth, inspiration and laughter.

This is a big reason I reached out to Emmett to talk and play a show together. July 9th at the Triple Door we will hang together. It could be something new. We could be conscious about it like folks putting on a show and caring, thinking about the content. What do we want to do tonight? What is the intention? and then let’s laugh if things go horribly wrong! I don’t think they will. I think this will be a great night and the start of something new. Making my future seem more exciting. I hope you come with us.

July 5th – I sing one song at Emmett’s Weird and Awesome show at The Annex Theater and Capitol Hill – 7:30pm

July 9th – Emmett and me show you and thing or two at The Triple Door on 3rd and Union – 8pm

Between You and I – Podcast #4

http://www.betweenpodcast.com

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Between You and I – Podcast #3 and other thoughts

Well here we are and Between You and I podcast #3. This time Ryan Lane and I just decided to plop down and conversate. I needed it. I find this podcast something I really need at times. We cover so much stuff it’s like a garbage dump from my brain. Too much going on in there but I bet a lot of you feel the same way. Folks are so worried so much of the time. Something we should work on and try to bring ourselves some peace. I know I want that and bad!

It used to be so much easier, in some ways, when I was in my twenties and how weird is it to know that is two decades ago!!! Can’t wrap my head around it at times. I now talk to so many people that I am over 20 years older than. What???? I don’t feel that way but it is true. Their world and mine are different. I’m not lost like who am I. I’m tired like I’m now responsible for some much more. Heavy and lovely at the same time.

My next goal is to free myself up to start planning this new business that is based on my true loves. Music, podcasting and coaching. That’s right I want to empowerment coach. I want to help you get to you and what you really want. Hey I’m doing it for myself so why not work with others who need this too? Would you join me in that? Would you like me to coach you? Would folks take it seriously? I definitely think the world needs it. So let me know what you think!!!

In the meantime, hope you enjoy Ryan and I and our lovely co-worker Amanda who drops by with a good story!!

Two ways to listen: Please subscribe if you like!!!

iPhone users should go here https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/between-you-and-i/id991120944?mt=2

Website link is http://www.betweenpodcast.com

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Between You and I – Podcast #2 – Kim Virant

Well holly hallelujah it’s podcast #2 with my great friend Kim Virant. The big reason we moved back to Seattle was for the family and friendship. Kim and I have known each other for over 20 years and it’s only recently that we have found each other as confidants. And boy has it been helpful. Finally someone who shares some of the same fears around performance, creativity and life’s ups and downs.

I was not the kind of girl who had close girlfriends. I’ve always been kind of lonerish and caught up in day dreams. It’s not that I didn’t want my friend circle but maybe I just did not know how to start are sustain that. Not so in the last 5 years or so. I finally realized that I have to try. I  have to reach out. and as Kim says, “You gotta nurture that shit”.

So true. I’m so grateful for friendships like the one I have with Kim. No matter where I end up I know that I can call her. She is no nonsense, smart, caring and crap ola talented. We calm each other down when needed. We rally around and support too. I hope I’m as big a help to her as she can be to me.

Please enjoy!!

Intro:http://mxnx.cc/podcasts/

Conversation: http://mxnx.cc/podcasts/BYAI_E0002.mp3

NOTE: We are also playing a show together May 27 at Chop Suey starting at 6pm.

ALSO: currently I’m doing an Indiegogo to raise money to record. Kim reminded me to mention it! Thank you.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/carrie-akre-summer-songs

Love to all,

Carrie

Carrie and Kim

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Between You and I Podcast #1 – The Friel Brothers

Today is the day! Between You and I – Podcast #1. I’ve been talking to folks about doing a podcast for years. I love the conversation and communion! Some of my favorite podcasts are The Nerdist, Marc Maron, any of John Rodericks.
I’ll be interviewing friends, writers, musicians, comedians, artists of all kinds and just whomever I feel like talking to here! I’m going to just take it one intuitive choice at a time and connect. I hope you’ll join me on this journey. I hope it brings amazing new adventures. Below is a link to the very first Between You and I podcast with the Friel Brothers (Chris and Rick) as my guests.
I’ve known the Friels closely for over 20 years and farther away for over 30. They are Seattle musical staples and have been playing music since before they were 9 years old!! I’ve had the pleasure of playing in bands with both of them (Goodness, The Rockfords, my solo work and side project Esther Kang). I love their support, kindness and story telling.
Buyer beware (it’s free) this conversation went on for 2 hours! We loved it and covered topics of music, friendship, history, music industry, grief and our continued love of making music. I hope you find this fun and interesting. There are no edits and that’s how I’ll be doing all of them.
I thank you for listening! Onward and upward!

Between You and I – #1

Love Carrie

Carrie and Friels

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Coming Soon! IE: I’m still here and happy

Hi all,

It’s been a long while since I last posted and I’m going to make this one short and sweet. Sort of.

I’m doing just fine. Actually, I’m doing great! The universe does take fantastic care of me and I’m so grateful. I am still happy to be here in the NW! Orion is doing great at school and with new buddies. I have a truly killer new job with great people. I believe it’s a home for me. Music is kicking up again. Recently played a Rockfords show (see link below)  that just soothed my soul, reconnected me to people who love me (it feels good to feel that love) and there is more music coming!

3/3 Rockfords show at The Tractor: https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=UUb7oJLBmRzt1u-dpNZadM0Q&v=dPMLFozraT0

Also next up is my new podcast. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time cause I just love the conversation! Like Marc Moran or The Nerdist podcast (two of my favorites) I just want to gather people I want to talk to and turn the tape on. Yes, that dates me but it feels good to say.

I’m calling it Between You and I and the first one I hope to post connected to this blog by the end of March starring the Friel brothers (Chris and Rick) . I hope you’ll give it a listen and just come on this journey with me.

Much love to you all. More writing will come and we’ll build out our empire! Nice eh? Why not?

Carrie

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Struggling to Stay Present

It’s a struggle to stay truly present.

This phase of my life, back in the NW, is about peeling back some real old layers. It’s uncomfortable, irritating and hard. I’m uncomfortable in my skin. Restless like mad. You may not see it on the outside if you know or talk to me but it’s there.

This is what I’m doing right now. Working HARD to get a good grip back on being present. It seems like it should be easy but I’m finding I have to work hard at it. Just to be right here now. In a place where I can smell things again, ride out the grief, let go of time, calm the desire to hurry up and do things now now now. I want to do anything to escape this uncomfortable bad sad. And I’ve used two things, in the last decade which has held so much change, to fill the void.

Food and wine. Food has been a comfort for most all my life. It’s pretty common for most people I think. Taste is pleasure. Quick and easy. Not so easy to get off my ass.

But the wine didn’t start until 2004. Or I should say seeking alcohol to soothe myself didn’t become my thing until that time. Crazy to me because I had just spent over two decades in bars, in bands and in the music industry. Any one of those could have killed someone (and has) or gotten them a big drinking habit but I NEVER EVER sought alcohol when I was sad or beaten down. NEVER.

Here’s what I have sussed out about why I think it caught me. One, it came into fashion/popularity. Two, I love the taste of it. Specifically a great Sauvignon Blanc hopefully from New Zealand. I’m very specific. Three, it was the first time in my life that I had completely lost my sense of self and my true North. I had no band, was making no music, I had been in a slew of self esteem eroding relationships, I wasn’t near having a family which I’ve always wanted, was pretty broke, owned nothing and was about 38yrs old. It was the first time I’ve ever fallen flat on my face. It is the most lost I’ve ever felt in my life.

During this time, white wine, my evil mistress, gave me the instant relief/summer fun feeling I deeply craved. She also bit back like a real bitch in the morning. Anxiety, panic and an almost agoraphobic feeling started to be something I had to manage to keep going.

Even though I felt like I was mentally stuck in a ditch I plowed on like I do. I surprisingly got quite a bit done. During this time I took charge and joined the corporate world (good for money; not so good for my sense of self) , got married, made another record, performed, had a baby, got myself recruited to Target.com and moved to Minneapolis.

We moved cause I needed to get out of the NW and heal. All my history in the NW felt more like a burden than a gift. I felt like most people I talked to were talking about me in the past. I wasn’t dead yet!!! I knew I needed get out and go where I could be brand new. Minneapolis took us in and was a great cocoon in which I could start to un crust.

Wine came with me but I began to really see and get worn out by my patterns. I started to confront them but she never went all the way away. Ready to take me somewhere better, at least for the moment. 

I want to note here my personal drinking pattern. Just for FYI only. I think folks still think the pattern of someone who drinks all day, every day as the problem state. There is a whole world of bad drinking habits that is real but not the devastating stories you may here in AA. They are slow, steady, corrosive patterns. Lot’s of mom’s I believe know what I’m talking about. I can put back a bottle of wine no problem. I’m good to about 1.5 bottles then I’m done and I would stop. I would not drink during the week mostly with an acute knowledge that two days in a row of even two glasses of wine would sink me into a deep depression for about 4 days. I’m glad I’ve always paid attention to what is happening to me and examining the affects even though it never got me to stop. Some times I would agree to go to Happy Hours because I was drifting, feeling like a spectator. But truthfully I was so bored and lonely even with real nice people. Lost and bored. Then occasionally I would go on a bender of a bottle of wine a day for about 5 days. Usually on vacation or in-between jobs. Luckily I could feel my intuition/body telling me that’s enough and I’d be done but it’d still take about a week to feel not terrified, depressed or off kilter. 

Once my mom died that was when things changed. There is no escape that can really help with that kind of grief. I also felt that I had a choice of which direction I could go. This was my moment to choose are you going down or can you break through this wall to be the person you are meant to be.

I’m choosing the latter. Did I say that right? I can never remember if latter means the most recent statement. Any way, I’m choosing to heal! I’m working hard. I’m uncomfortable. I am disappointed in my weight gain. I want out of my skin. I’m restless. 

BUT to end on a good note. Like most of my songs funny enough. I am full of new ideas. I have great support. I thank every single person who has helped (some of you probably have no idea). I am determined to find my vision (and it’s coming clear to me!!). I’m ready to shed the protective layers (thank you for the protection but you can go now). I’m going to find and keep my personal vision. Wake up. Be present and make it through to the other side into my next phase of life.

From the words of my mother who sent me a message through a close psychic friend.

Carrie – LIVE LIFE.

Yes ma’am. Will do.

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How the mind caves in

So we have moved back to the might NW! Into the arms of friends and family is where we will rest. There are have been so many heartfelt welcomes it has amazed me and warmed my heart. I am working my way back to music and a deeper self.

I still miss mom and will forever as many tell me. I believe she watches over me and so she will help me crawl, stand and walk again just like she did before but this time back to music! My goal is to get this show up and running so that I have a shop, home, show and new music to share out there.  I hope you will all join me. I hope many new friends are made. I hope to make it to Europe one day. I will have cherry red hair again I’ve decide. Might as well eh?? Why not, my job doesn’t care and it reminds me of spicy days.

My goals for my time here in the NW are: Form a collective of artist ladies who actually reach out to each other for help and get help! Form a new band for my solo stuff, Record, Get my website up, play festivals and show, teach classes on being an artist (open to all experience levels) – see Fall schedule soon, do as many podcasts as well have me, write here more often and yes, like so many, I gotta get in shape! Ugh. Love you guys. Just checking. Happy Summer Loves! Carrie

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Bring it!

Not every entry here will be sad but for now yes, it will be. Cause that is reality with a bit of hope. Totally my modus. Is that how you spell that?

Anyhooty, Holidays are happening and they are the first without mom. I’ve asked if I’ll always be weepy. I feel deep. Always have. I’ve been called “too sensitive” during the grunge years but everyone then was committed to snark. Fuck that time! I have hurt and bitterness around that. We’ve all had moments of getting our feelings hurt, right? I will get over it.

Back to the weepy. Two things I’ve realized.

One, this is forever and it punches me in the chest. It feels wrong. She was my best friend and loved my son. I will have to describe her to him and I NEVER thought that would be the case. That makes my head explode a little. Then I take the advice a friend from South American has given me. He reminded me that she is just fine. Actually she is free and doing wonderfully where she is. It’s just me here who is left behind missing her and if I can adjust my view point to be happy for her and grateful for what I do have, I will move through this better.

Two, she was my family. She was the single person who was my complete pal and one woman show. She was my bestest friend. Loving me for all time. She used to say, “You are the light of my life”. I can still hear her voice. So right now when the rest of the family is trying to, but not used to, being close, it feels like I’m orphaned. Peace to my brothers and sisters but we are still working on it and I don’t know if we will ever get that kind of easy close. I love them don’t get me wrong.

So the solution and my goal/destiny is to love my sweet three person family here (Marty, Orion and myself) and to, god dammit, make best friends with music again!!! Help me everyone, I am trying to revitalize my ability to envision my musical wishes and dreams.

I want:

To bloom the healing musical person I am. To write and share that music with the world. To find an amazing band. Record and perform all over the world. To be signed to a small label. I dream of Matador, but hey am open to the right robust loving lablel. To become the musical healer I believe I am. Could everyone please help me recover my dreaming? For real I’m asking the friends and fans to lift me up. Don’t worry I am strong but for once I am boldly asking for this group help! Let’s see what happens.

Spread the word on this. I will have a website up soon and I’ll post it here and every where. If you could spread the word and start a massive move forward, I will sing my heart out for you!

All my love to you!

Carrie

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